Remember

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xucDwP4qIeU

It was the blue.

The eyes. The sky. The twilight.

My name was on a ceiling,

A mark left behind

To be a speck of history

Remembered.

Bras were hanging from the ceiling

Laughter, drunk, tired.

What was the point if it

All went up in smoke

Washed away by time.

His lips on my neck, exciting at first

Then his tongue on mine

It had felt wrong.

The disgraceful taste of

First the jaeger, then the mouthwash

Mixed between my teeth and spat out.

Deep down, I must have felt

The cold judgement,

The harsh disregard

Following my half-assed rejection

But his eyes were blue too.

The other blue I cared more about,

One I needed.

The soft baby blue

That held me

Still hanging around the edges

My memory clouded with

Fear and longing.

I had told him

Not all of it,

But what mattered.

At least what I thought mattered.

Barely recall the words said now

Yet my body holds onto the memory:

Warmth of his voice

Softness of his beard

Gentle hold of his arms

Smell of coffee

The icy cold creeping up my toes

And

My backside sore from the fall I had,

Trying to get to him.

Roads were always icy that year,

Four hours plus one

Run, run, run, run to his arms

From whatever

Myself probably

He'd make us coffee,

Sometimes we'd talk,

Sometimes we'd cuddle on the couch, or in bed

And sometimes we'd just exist

In each other's orbit

Soothed by the proximity,

And occasional tactile comfort

Two souls finding something quiet

Amidst the never-ending forest.

Never told him this, but that forest scared

The shit out of me.

Another one,

Blue and gray circles, this one

A dull indifference, unless needed.

Small gusts of affection then.

Hoped that this was it.

Smiled when mocked,

Pushed past the limits of what

I could handle.

We'd slipped on the icy roads,

And I had laughed.

Yet again, I left

Another one hanging.

It had been fine, it had felt fine

But I was so, so tired.

Exhausted of being

Whatever was needed

Not what I truly wanted to be.

He didn't know that, of course.

I didn't tell him either.

Not that he would care.

And I ran straight back

To baby blue.

The house still shows up in my dreams

White. Red. White. Red.

The layout I still have memorized

Yet him I talk to no more.

Running

From the bridges I burned accidentally

Set on fire with ghosts

Behind the walls I've built

These days therapy is kicking my ass

The floodgates are open

Rushing in are the memories

Some sharp knives,

Occasionally a warm hug, and

Every now and then,

Sorrow.

For all my regrets.

Losing him by choice

Is one of those regrets.

Yet, time moves on

And I am too scared to ask him for forgiveness.

Or to admit

It wasn't the cold of the forest that scared me

As I sat there in front of the window, on the bench

That always hurt my ass

It was the way I knew I'd eventually disappear

From his life,

Leave the white and red behind,

And let myself be a memory who slept in his bed

Clinging to his side for warmth

Seeking the safety.

What an odd thing to know

That you're a blip in others' lives

Passing through their stories

Wondering if you're worthy of being remembered at all

Maybe he does

Maybe the mouthwash guy does.

Or the girl that held me

When I cried in the bathroom in January

Stupid-drunk, and tired of pretending,

The night before I ran into his arms again.

Or the alt girl who made some mean cocktails

Does she remember the cigarettes we shared?

Göteborg central,

That specific smell of it

Oil, hopes and something oddly Swedish.

Made me cry in twenty nineteen

What for and for what

Perhaps I was looking for the girl

Who used to sit there at six a.m

Trying to catch the train back before class

Book as a prop,

To hide the sharpness of an unaware goodbye

In his baby blues.

To the girl who sat among

The strangers of the cold lands

And accepteed the escape

From what she longed for...

I am working on forgiving you

For acting on pain, rather than reason

I will, one day.

But just know that, I love who we were.

At least I will learn how to.

To P,

I hope you are in a place

Where you can look up at the sky Find the peace within you,

Mirroring the baby blue.

And I hope people in your life

Stay and not run away like cowards.

I'm really fucking sorry.

I miss you.

#cityofthesun