Over

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n65xLPpYuCs

Hi,

You've probably expected me to greet you with a name, your real name or the one you chose. However, considering where we have been for the past three (or is it two?) years, I really don't want to call you by your name. I don't really care if you read this or not either. This is me clearing up the air, for myself mostly. If it clears things up for you too, that's good. But that part belongs to you, and I have zero interest in meddling or finding out what you do with this letter.

You probably think we've had a huge dramatic fallout and I was the villain. Fine. If you want to believe that... ok, that's your prerogative. Do as you wish.

But I wasn't.

No, I am not going to paint myself as the victim here. Yes, I could have handled it better and perhaps reached out sooner. I didn't. You see, I was at my limit, completely maxed out on patience for your antics. I was sick of being the entertainment, a fun thing when you wanted... while all I had wanted was a friend.

And honestly, I thought we were friends. Sure we did stupid things together, vibed more than we should have, let the lonely lust go to our heads to escape our demons, but what I hoped you'd eventually become was a friend.

As I always did, I tolerated too much shit.

I gave too much and asked for too little.

I didn't communicate well.

I stonewalled when I could have said what I needed.

All because I wanted to keep the peace.

Yeah, I did a bang-up job there.

Look, she wasn't the problem, even though she was a huge pain in the ass and a major disturbance in the force. No idea why she felt the constant need to be a rival, perhaps I've given off bad vibes, perhaps she believed I was trying to take you away from her. No idea. But it wasn't my intention. My main problem with her was that she was an attention whore, and I despise attention whores. Boy she was the biggest one I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Commendable, though, that she could take every conversation and make it about herself.

If I were to be perfectly honest, her talent for self-obsession and narcissism is the only thing I was jealous of when it comes to her. I don't know how to ask for attention when I need it, and she demands it even if she doesn't need it. So yeah, that made me jealous. And her manipulative tactics, I guess. I wanted to protect you from those, but knew I couldn't do jack shit without you screaming at me. Remember the time you came at me for putting her in her place when she was disturbing everyone else? When I had strongly disagreed with her and she ran crying to you? Yeah, hope you do. I had hoped you would eventually see the games she was playing and you wouldn’t get pulled into her shit.

You did.

In the worst way possible.

Such a shame.

You were a decent person too.

But hold up a sec, let’s face it.

You weren’t a good friend. To me.

I don’t know about your friendships with others, but you really weren’t a good friend to me.

After the worst night of my life, the very next day, you told me I looked like shit. I probably did, and I kinda remember saying it myself first. But hearing the truth wasn’t what I needed in that moment. I still think of how it felt sometimes, hearing those words. It hurt, not gonna lie, it really did. As if the point was how I looked… You made me think about how I looked and whether I was presentable enough when I should have been thinking about safety. And all you had to do was to just say “you’ve had a terrible night, who cares”, but you chose the superficial over feelings.

Then there was the time when I disagreed with her and you blamed me for her inability to defend herself. That whole damsel in distress shitshow she pulled. You chose to give me shit for speaking my mind. You’ve fucking tried to invalidate me for disagreeing. Because she was offended because I had told her no. Because she had been feeling a bit attacked because of my bantering… when it wasn’t even about her.

You silenced me because your pretty princess didn’t like the way I talked.

Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?

But yeah, I can’t change the past. Gotta let it go.

Like I said, the whole point of this letter is to close the “you” chapter, move on, and not let you claim the energy you do not deserve. I am tired of looking back and blaming myself for things. It upsets me a great deal. We both made mistakes, we weren’t perfect, so I gotta stop blaming myself.

Oh, by the way, don’t you dare think that instance was the only time you did shit like that. I could list all the times I needed support and hoped you would be there for me, but you weren’t. All the times I thought you’d understand. All the times when I wanted you to show the slightest interest in something I cared about. You never did.

Unless you needed something.

Unless you needed fun.

Or whatever it was that you expected from me.

Again, it is partially my fault. I should have done a fuckton of things differently.

So I am sorry for my part. And no, I don’t really care if you are really sorry or not. You don’t even have to be sorry. For all I care, go on and hate me if you must. I am done. With you. With blaming myself. I am done reviving pain caused by people who never really cared. Whatever happened between us is now truly over. I just don't have space for you anymore.

This is me choosing to preserve my energy for the love I see where I never saw before. In myself.

So, yeah, I guess that pretty much sums up my side of things.

I hope you are in a better and a more emotionally secure place right now and everything worked out for you.

If our paths ever cross, I hope we’ll both have learned from our mistakes and become better people.

Take care of yourself. I will do the same.