Moon

© Cover photo by Niko Savic Photography

Yet another late forgotten night. Not a November one, but the emptiness persists. I can’t tell whether it’s the suffocating heat of a June night or the void you’ve left behind (more like, never even attempted to fill, I suppose) but it’s getting harder to breathe every second. My heart is cracking under the crushing weight of despair. I’ve already pieced my soul back together so many times that the structural integrity is significantly degraded - it can collapse any second. Thrown off the edge yet another time. I’m not saying oh woe is me, frankly I’m pretty used to that. Perhaps it all stems from the self-doubt, deeply ingrained within me, and never knowing which way to go… and I end up making the same mistakes over and over again. Believing in dreams that have zero chance of coming true - my life long crime. Yes, I plead guilty. The infinite dreams, the beauty vs the beast. Repeating cycles. Both in my mind and my choices. That seems to be a theme with my existence.

Someone with a very sick and twisted sense of humor might find our story quite funny. I do too. Sometimes. You and me, crossing paths on an astral level - I believe that - the stars, somewhere among the flashing lights, millions of years ago, our paths crossed and our moons collided and that's why this - all of this - happened. There. I told you why I'm hopelessly in need, or hopeless in need, or hopeless and in need. Maybe I'm delusional, but delusion is what makes the only sense. Deluded. Deluge of delusions in my deluded mind. What a load of bullshit...

Even my words are utter shit. People think I can write stuff - that's just not true. I can't ever hope to find the right words, right... what is right anyway? Somehow everything feels wrong. Back to missing words between you and me. Words that have deserted us. Left me powerless. You know, it never feels enough to convey. Besides, no one ever pays enough attention to witness the unstated beneath the layers of metaphors I’ve woven into our story - not even you. Feeble words against the explosions in my soul. Thousands, millions, and billions of things hidden behind lame metaphors and pathetic imagery because I'm afraid to just say them. Afraid, so afraid. What did you expect anyway? Not that you have ever expected anything, oh how I fool myself. Everything I had ever hoped for was taken away within a matter of seconds - then it makes you think: ‘’why should I bother at all’’? Comes as no surprise, right? Perhaps that's why the shit went down the way it did - perhaps I wasn't worthy. I mean, it makes sense. A lot. Don’t deny it. Don't you dare.

It's all very conflicting and I hate you. For making me dance on a thin line between losing all hope - and my mind - and fighting on. Confusion is written all over my life. But you're worth it. Those two words are worth it. All the pain and confusion. And above all, gratitude. I honestly hate to think what would’ve happened, hadn't it been for you. Oh, and go fuck yourself. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

Words hurt too - yours, I mean, mine don't ever mean jackshit and since I can never properly explain what I want to mean, it's just a waste of paper, ink, time and energy. You say such things that make me swoon and feel right… I don’t feel as abandoned as I usually do. I know it’s all false promises on your part, but you can’t blame a girl for choosing to believe. Actually, you can. Anyway. Those times I feel like things are going well, like it’s all okay. But then you do/say something that just tears me apart into two. It’s mind boggling how you can manage to find new ways to break my heart, I don’t even know how, but sometimes the simplest things you do can cause so much agony and pain to me that I can’t bear it. Oh the sting.

Do you ever dream of me? To you, I don't even exist anymore. To you, I mean nothing more than the dust on your doorstep, not even worthy of being a doormat, but if - by some miracle - I appear in your dreams somehow, like a distant memory from the past, that's a happy thought I guess. Such a single part of two! Isn't that what we've always been? Even if it means giving up my own free will, I'd give myself to you in all its entirety to hear those two words and you're free to do as you please with the soul handed to you. Take this life, I'm right here. Take it. All yours. No use in pretending anymore. But seriously, once? Just fucking once. Can you please disregard the hatred once, but not the hated? Just once, that's all I fucking need.

Out come the stars, the bright universe, and they twinkle and reflect and shine in my eyes, but you don't see them. You never see them. You're too busy becoming the angel against demons from evil dimensions. We're not angels, we are the stars themselves, stranded on earth. We shine and we die if nobody sees us. Yet, somehow, it’s always you. You shine on and I'm blinded by your light. Eyes are said to be the windows of the soul, don't close your eyes. The universe and I, we're here to be with you. Let me in. Let me in or I'll die. Every star. Every moon. Every moment of history. Every me. Every you.

Let me in, let me shine or I'll die.

Please.

#Leprous